The Day I Lost My Job

A little history to shed some light on this post:

My husband, Jeremy and I became christians in 1997.  Very soon after, he volunteered us for youth ministry and I blindly followed.  For the next 5 years, we spent most of our time with the youth of our church, laughing, learning, living and sometimes pulling our hair out.  During that time, I thought we were what you would have called "lifers". (a lifetime in youth ministry)  But, low and behold there were other plans in the mix {a post I promise I will get to soon} and Jeremy, myself and a very cherished group of friends felt called to plant a church.

In the beginning, I was urged by my then senior pastor's wife to lead the kid's ministry.  Her words still echo in my head "only you will love this thing as much as your husband."  So, I obliged and tortured myself for maybe 6 months in the kid's ministry until I was rescued by a dear friend.  Over the course of the next few years, my role on church staff was very informal but, I was pretty much in every staff meeting with an often weighty opinion.  

There were a few years in the history of our church which I call the '400-600 phase' that I ducked out and did nothing.  This abysmal phase was when the church attendance grew to a number that this overly personable, I need to know everyone, Nebraska girl had a veritable meltdown.  It was a self-induced guilt over expectations that weren't even there.  So, during this time, I immersed myself in the gym and became a personal trainer.  After hiding for a couple years, I emerged when the church was  growing from 600-800 and realized people didn't really care who I was.  They didn't have an actual expectation to know the pastor's wife.  (these are obviously not factual of everyone's feelings, just my own personal observations and the way I soothe my conscience)

So, I hopped back on the team and filled a position that we couldn't quite figure out the fit for.  Jeremy would it explain it as this:
Sunshine is the liaison to my staff.  She takes things I say and softens it by saying 'what he really meant to say was this'
Essentially, I was the middleman, when needed, to his team.  (AND, you can see where this is going)  I am the pastor's wife!

About six months ago, I hit a brick wall...again.  I would complain (read nag) to Jeremy and threaten to quit.  Things were not good.  We would go back and forth constantly about church decisions and with us both being strong people, sometimes it was just a plain battle of wills.

Three weeks ago a church consultant group was scheduled to come meet with our team and help us figure out a 3 year/5 year plan.  We are somewhat of a "mom and pop"shop so, a PLAN seemed unfathomable.  Honestly, I drug my feet to that meeting.  I was not ready to sit in a room, graph my leadership style on a piece of paper and listen to everything I pretty much thought I knew. (ego, ego, ego...I know)

Day 1:  We were asked to go around the room and introduce ourselves, say what we loved about theMovement and what we hoped would change.  When my turn came, I followed direction one and two and then blurted, 'and, I hope to not have to work here some time in the future'.  The guy leading the meeting said 'Great!  Sunshine phased out by January 1' and went and wrote it on the board.  Immediately, this little thing (that didn't have a name yet) flip-flopped in my belly.  And, as I glanced around the room, I caught a few confused faces that followed with obligatory smiles.  I was thinking....oh, crap.

Later that night, Jeremy asked what I thought.  I did a little sidestep saying 'well, tomorrow will be interesting.  And, I can't imagine at least not going to staff meetings.'

Day 2:  By hour number two, I had been phased out completely.  I honestly can't remember how it happened that quickly.  I sat there, seriously stunned.  It felt like a punch to the gut.  The wind literally sucked out of my sails.  That little unnamed thing in my belly called Pride suddenly reared it's ugly head and sent a laundry list of thoughts through my head.  The resounding theme was:  BUT, I AM GOOD AT WHAT I DO!!  .....right??   If I would have had to speak at that moment, I would have cried.  I had gotten what I asked for but now, was it what I wanted?

The drive home was interesting.  Jeremy kept glancing at me saying 'so, what do you think?'  I could only say, 'I know its right but, it just feels weird.'  And then, a phrase I had heard over the past couple of days sprang to my mind:  I know you CAN do it but, SHOULD you?  What is for the greater good?

I am going to be ultimately cheesy here and say...I suddenly felt so FREE!  In that quick instant while we were driving home, I had a duh moment.

Since that day, I have not given even one thought to the 'workings' of the church.  I had no idea we added another church service until I picked up and announcement sheet this last Sunday.  I am now my husbands wife and not his co-worker.  My new joke is that getting fired from my church was the best thing ever!

I Don't Enjoy Cooking

As I attempt to jump back into blogging, I figured I could start with a post that you will most likely see only once from me:  a recipe!  I am pretty convinced I don't belong in the kitchen with laborious recipes.  I get overwhelmed when there are more than 4 ingredients and multiple steps.  You wonder how my family survives?  I LOVE grilling and I can make a great salad and simple side dishes.  I even asked for a grill for mother's day one year.  I own the grill in this family.  In fact, I tried to let Jeremy grill the other day and honestly experienced a little anxiety.  But, my control issues are another blog post entirely so, back to the kitchen!

So, a dear friend gave me some vegetables from her garden which included an enormous zucchini.  The first thing I said to her was "What do I do with this thing?" She said, "You cook it".  Ha ha...yes.  But, how?  Two other kind friends were already googling recipes and giving me tips about baked zucchini and asked me to take pictures of the finished product.  As I got in the car with my daughter, I said to her "Well shoot, now I'm going to have to do something with this thing".  Culinary pressure at it's finest.  So, I googled a few recipes and most were all vegetarian and required cheese and bread.  Well, I have to have protein with my meal and I like cheese and bread with wine.  So, I {drumroll please} combined different recipes I read and made up my own!  Yeah, I still get excited thinking about it.

Everything went pretty smoothly except that I broke a plate, grabbed the hot baking dish with my bare hand and stepped on my chihuahua twice.  She's a scrounge and I drop a lot of stuff.  We work well together but, sometimes she misjudges my swift movements.  As exciting as it was to try the finished product and have my skeptical husband say, "I actually like this", I think that experience will hold me over for a month or two.  I'd rather throw meat on the grill and sit down and watch some football.

Sunshine's Zucchini:

Zucchini
Organic ground beef
Italian season
Garlic powder
Red onion
Spaghetti sauce
Basil
Salt
Pepper

Preheat oven to 350
Slice zucchini lengthwise and scrape out insides and set aside
Bake zucchini for 20 minutes face down
Meanwhile brown ground beef and add italian season, garlic powder, salt and pepper to taste
Mash insides of zucchini in a mixing bowl (yeah, I thought this was weird because of the seeds but, one recipe called for it and I justified it with retaining all the nutrients of the vegetable)
Sauté onion and add to mixture (I also salt and peppered a bit here and added a dash of italian seasoning)
Finley chop basil and add to mixture
Add one cup spaghetti sauce to mixture

Since I had more meat than I did space in the boats, I made side batches of mixture and ground beef for each individual boat.  I will use the leftovers for pasta and some meat sauce for my son tonight.

Fill the boats and return to oven for 20 minutes.  You could top with mozzarella before returning to oven which would probably be delicious.  But, I am selective in my cheese consumption.  Cheese=calories in my brain and if I'm going to enjoy it, I want to splurge when the time is right.  i.e. pizza or straight up on a cracker.

Enjoy!  (I hope)

Bad Mom Award or When NOT to be Cheap

Noah busted his lip in last Friday night's football game. Since he is not a complainer, he didn't really mention how painful it was until Monday. As I watched him struggle to eat, I thought about a really intensive dentist appointment he was going to be having on Thursday. (today) So, I called the dentist and asked if we should reschedule and they said that it wouldn't be necessary and that the dentist would do his best near that bottom lip. He also suggested I buy Neosporin and Vaseline to keep it clean and moisturized.

Well, I followed doctors orders but, while I was in CVS I looked at an $8.79 Orabase gel. As I read the back and tried to determine its necessity, I decided I would just stick with the dentist's recommendations. After all, I have always succumbed to buying $9ish pointless products that end up in drawers or cabinets.

As today, the day of the dreaded dental procedure, dawned; Noah's lip had still not healed and was causing him quite a bit of pain. {warning: the rest of this paragraph may bother you if you are not a fan of dental work or anything cringe-worthy} Today's procedure was to fit Noah for crowns on his 2 front teeth. But, since his front teeth have endured so much trauma the nerves override the numbing agents the dentist uses. Although he was administered two different types of local anesthetic, he could feel every bit of the procedure. As he squeezed my hand, moaned and tried to control his body from jumping, I silently cried. Thank God Noah was wearing glasses and staring at the ceiling because I was clearly not the one who SHOULD have been crying. Later, he did say that he almost cried 8 times and looked me solemnly in the parking lot and said 'I almost threw in the towel.' My heart did a little hitch right then because I watched the grinding, heard the drill and saw the blood. I said to him, 'I wouldn't have blamed you. I cried.'

When we got home, he slept for quite a while and then awoke very hungry. Of course, the swollen gums and residual sensitivity of the teeth were an issue but, his lip had been banged up pretty good and was swollen again. So, he had a shake. Then, he hunkered down to do his homework. I probably asked him 50 times what I could make him to eat and he just said that he could barely open his mouth because of his lip. At this point, I am desperate for this kids dilemma so I tell him I am going to CVS to buy this gel. He adds 'Can you buy me new smoothie mixes in case it doesn't work?'

I go to CVS and buy the $8.79 gel which is $9.47 with tax. (you see where this is going and why I really do deserve the bad mom award) THEN, I go to Vons and spend $47.55 on smoothie mixes, juices, applesauce, Naked juice thingy's and oatmeal. When I get home, I show him my array of goods and then say 'Oh let's try this gel!'

5 minutes later, he comes into the kitchen smiling and laughing for the first time today and said sarcastically: 'Mom, you're blowing it....I can't feel my lip. Good thing we didn't get this before this morning.'

Oh goodness...at least we are laughing.

'I Just Want Ordinary'

I just got off the phone with my mother and I finally heard a smile in her voice and she was laughing! The past two weeks have just been a roller coaster of emotions. My first phone call to her two weeks ago was 'Oh no. We aren't going to get any of the flood water' followed by my dads booming voice in the background reassuring me that there was no way that river would ever get close to them. (although their house sits about 50 yards from the water)

Two days after that first phone call she called me trying her best to use her big girl voice but quickly began sobbing, 'Oh no Sunny. The river is coming here. Your dad had me come home from work and we are moving everything out today.' And so began the day to day drama of encroaching water, ominous river pictures, wild rumors and theories about what was really going to unfold.

Now two weeks later, she is living in a gutted house with river water at the sandbag wall but, no water in the house. The basement is a shell; the carpet is removed, the toilets have been removed, drains are capped, doors are off their hinges, pumps are waiting for water, chlorine is positioned and as of yesterday, 4 feet of sheetrock has been removed from the lower half of the wall (more on her reaction to this in a minute). But still, no water.

Here is a bit of what the conversation went like with my observations in parenthesis:

Me: Whatcha doing?

Mom: I'm on the deck. Watching the river. {giggle} Just watching the river roll by. (she adds for emphasis)

Me: So, no water in the house?

Mom: No, it actually dropped a bit. (she says excitedly) But, they released today so we will see that in 36 hours and they will release again tomorrow.

Me: Well, that is good news.

Mom: Yeah, we will see. The river runs so peaceful right in front of us because we have this little inlet. It is not just raging by like you would think.

Me: I know you would be happy and so thankful but, what if you don't get water and you did all that work? I think I'd be a little irritated.

Mom: {she laughs} I know! Sometimes I think that is what is going to happen next.

Me: Like a really bad episode of 'Punked' (she laughs and probably has no idea what I am talking about since she doesn't even know how to turn her television on by herself)

Mom: Yeah, your dad and Bill (the neighbor) cut 4 feet of sheetrock out of the basement walls yesterday. I just stood there and thought, 'isn't that a little overboard.' But, I didn't say nothing. I just let them work. It's their way to deal with it. Just finding work to do.

Me: Well, make sure dad is taking it easy.

Mom: Oh yeah. He had a couple of rough days. It was just so hot here. And, he would get up and work from dawn till dusk acting like he is 40. And, he ain't 40 anymore.

Me: True

Mom: But, he brought back my microwave today! I was just so excited. And, I went shopping at Ashley's house today because she isn't eating up all my food like she is supposed to (Ashley is my sister and that is where my mom moved some of her stuff. And, my mother ALWAYS HAS FOOD. And, lots of it. Sometimes you can't even see into the refrigerator)

At this point I am just laughing with her and she is just getting so animated and then she really starts 'Barb-ing' out. Which is when she gets a bit goofy and excited about little things.

Mom: And guess what? Your dad said if we don't get any water by Friday, he is going to bring back my washer and dryer! He said 'you know, I really think you would feel better if you just had your washer and dryer, Barb'. I got kind of teary. I would just love to throw my rugs in and wipe up my floor. You would be so proud of me. My house is kind of messy. (I can totally hear her beaming at this point and I am smiling from ear to ear. It is such a blessing to hear a little hope in her voice)

Mom: You know me, I just want ordinary. I just want to lolly-gag around and be ordinary. I'm back at work and that is so good for me. I like to focus on other people and realize how good my life really is. (she works in CAT scan and sees a lot of trauma)

Me: It's so good to hear you smile.

Mom: I know. You know I am going to be okay. There were some days where I was tempted to call the doctor and get a little something for my stress. Sometimes I just couldn't talk myself off the wire. But, I didn't. I just kept thinking 'this too shall pass'. And, I may still get water but, I am ready for it now. This has all just turned kind of normal.

Me: Well good. I am so excited to come back soon.

Mom: Me too! (5 days ago she was plotting with my sister to talk me out of coming) We may just buy blow-up mattresses and stay here! It's kinda fun. It's like we are camping. We have lawn chairs everywhere. No furniture. And, I use the lids that go on my storage tubs for food trays. And, we eat anywhere we like now! I don't even care about the carpet anymore.

Me: {laughing} You've come a long way in a couple weeks. Well, I am so excited to come back.

Mom: Yes. I have some good wine coming from when we were in Napa valley. We can just sit on the deck and watch the river. Maybe your dad will bring back my grill by then!

Me: Yay! That sounds fun. Love you mom.

Mom: Love you too. Tell Gracie I didn't forget about her big graduation day. We will do something special when you get here.

Me: Oh she knows you love her. Talk to you soon.

Mom: Bye honey. I love you.

Me: Love you too!

Here is a link to some surreal arial photos. Still praying the water stays away! But, thankful for the small victory of hearing a glimmer of hope and taking a moment to catch our breath and laugh.

http://www.nylen.com/flood/20110610/

A Poop Story

Jeremy will celebrate his 40th birthday this year. With this impending milestone, he was feeling the urge to have a complete physical. So, as dutiful wife, I scheduled physicals for both of us. I was due for one anyway and figured we could knock this out in one fell swoop.

A week prior to our physical we fasted before our trip to the lab for blood work. It is absolutely hilarious how much more hungry you feel when you know you CAN'T eat. I feel petty even admitting this now due to current events and the actual suffering that people endure but, I figured I would confess. After our blood was drawn, we met in the lobby and headed to the elevator. As we were walking to the elevator, I glanced down at a small package in Jeremy's hand and asked him what it was.

Jer: Didn't you get one of these?

Me: No. What is it?

{we enter the elevator with two women}

Jer: I don't know, I guess they want my poop.

Me: Jer! Shhh {laughing}

At this point I was opening the package and inspecting the directions when the little vial that you collect your sample thingy (un-used of course) falls to the ground. Jeremy, clearly on a roll at this point, says sarcastically and jokingly:

'Pick that up!' He is obviously pretending to be bossy and totally kidding around and I am seriously laughing so hard, all I can manage is another 'Jer!'

We arrive at parking level and as we exit, one woman leads the way going in our direction. When we hit the parking lot, she turns to us and says, 'You guys look familiar. Don't I know you from somewhere?'

I shoot a quick glance to Jeremy who is a slight shade of red then turn back to her and in my ultra-sunshiney voice say 'Hi, I'm Sunshine.' I totally know how she knows us but, I am hoping to duck out of this one. She introduces herself and adds, 'Oh, I go to your church!'

Me: Oh awesome! This is my husband Jeremy. Remind me of your name again. (because I have totally forgotten it in this short amount of time due to my total embarrassment)

Her: (name) It is so nice to meet you. I'll see you Sunday.

Me: Great! See you Sunday.

I turn to Jeremy and we both just look at each other and quick step it to our car giggling. We are going to blame that on on low blood sugar.

A Simple Thought

I am an internet junkie. Often, I think I am over-informed. I am sure many would agree. We have up to the minute news on pretty much anything we would like information on. And, if anything random crosses your mind...there is always Google.

Obviously, there is no need to Google the disaster in Japan. It is all over the news and in the forefront of many of our minds. Headlines read somewhat like: 'Magnitude 8.9 Earthquake in Japan' , 'Death Toll Rises, Thousands Still Missing', 'Tsunami Swallows up City', 'Survivors Hold out Hope', 'Bodies Wash Ashore', 'Nuclear Reactors Melting Down.' So, so, so saddening.

I would not ever attempt to minimize the travesty or the grief or the overwhelming helpless feeling of sadness. My thoughts and prayers are honestly there...albiet a bit detached and somehow not totally connecting sometimes. I see the images of people weeping, homes lost and bodies being carried away and I cannot really imagine the totality of the situation.

And, I hear: 'Oh, you just wait...California is next.' Or, see flooding in other parts of our country. In the news I see buses overturning on US soil while people run amok and kill each other.

So, here is my simple thought; I looked at Jeremy tonight and honestly said this: All of this chaos would normally scare me. But, I know it is inevitable. This world is dying. If the radiation comes here or an earthquake happens...one thing I know: my God has prepared a place for me. There are many rooms. If it were not so, he would have told us. Therefore, take comfort in knowing....there is more than what we see. And, God WILL bring beauty from ashes.

A Random Recollection

It's been four months since I last blogged. Not saying this is a big return. Chances are, I will space it, or over-think it or forget it all over again. And, I really have no BIG idea for this post. Just a checking-in of sorts.

In the past 4 months:

1) Became a mother of a high-schooler: Absolutely freaks me out since I so clearly still remember BEING in high school. But, I refuse to parent out of fear and so we are chugging right along. Hiccups of course.

2) Officially have 2 teens: Another freakish but, fun event. Being 21 with my first kid, far away from my mommy with a partially paralyzed face feels like a lifetime ago. It definitely makes for some good memories.

3) Decorated a tree, in shifts, with just my daughter: VERY bittersweet but, not nearly as sad as it sounds. We still retained the 'oh remember this ornament?' fun after Grace and I did the hard work.

4) I look UP to my son: maybe for a little while longer than the past 4 months but, I have to stand on my tip-toes to see eye to eye. The oddity of this hits me at strange times. Like when he is sick and I am dragging him in to see the doctor. I am 5 steps ahead with a "man" following me complaining of his pain but, insisting we 'really shouldn't be here' & 'can we go home?' & 'can we get some food on the way home?'

5) Celebrated my 18th New Years with Jeremy: Our kids kept us up in the air about their plans so, we ended up by ourselves with no real plans around 9:00. So, an impromptu night at home...Wii bowling, music and dancing. Yes, we danced. By ourselves. In our living room. Same time, same place next year...right babe?

6) Marked our 9 year anniversary as a church: (January 6, 2002) This is humbling, amazing and merciful, There are not many words for it. It is all God. And for that, I am truly thankful.

7) Enjoyed a couple family trips: Grace competed in Vegas for San Marcos Pop Warner cheer. Her last year :( The team rocked & my girl has some killer kicks. Also, we managed to get away to Mammoth. So fun, so EASY and so bittersweet. Fun because it's MAMMOTH. Easy because they have this down after 11 years of boarding for Noah and 9 for the goose. Bittersweet because they ride without us!

Are we there yet? Ahhh...not so much. Life just keeps rolling along...by God's grace.