A Christmas Wish

While listening to my Sirius XM radio tonight, I had a "moment". It first began with me listening to XM channel 3 which is semi-current, incredibly cheesy Christmas music. I was honestly listening out of obligation since I have been struggling to "stay in the spirit" this year. During a break in the N'Sync, Mariah Carey etc. deluge of goofy remixes, Santa cheerfully interrupted and let me know that the classics were just a touch away on XM channel 4. And so, with a touch of my fingertip, I went THERE. Where? Over to channel 4 and 25 years ago in an instant.

I am thinking that the arrival of 'the stocking' got this "moment" to brew. 'The stocking' is one that is embroidered with Sunshine in red and hung dutifly on my Grandma Delores' mantle alongside the names: Ashley, Seth, Carter, Cain and Brie, each and every Christmas as far back as my memory goes. Ashley, Seth and Carter are my siblings and Cain and Brie are my 2 cousins and together we make the 6 grandkids on the Black side.

So, my "moment" in the car was triggered by a classic Christmas song, coupled with the arrival of my old stocking. And, in that moment, tears sprang to my eyes. Tears of joy and tears of sadness. Something I can't quite put my finger on but, I will try.

Today, my stocking is hanging on my mantle here in Southern California. It is many, many miles from Nebraska now. But, I can still see it above my Grandma D's fireplace even now as I type. Tradition held that we had Christmas Eve at her house. It was always so exciting since we got to open presents "early". My parents were steadfast in opening our presents on Christmas morning. As you can imagine, us kids were giddy with anticipation. There were always many gifts under my grandma's tree and, "Santa" arrived on schedule each year. Oh yes, a real, live santa. Of course, it was quite some time before I realized it was our friend Tom Sherlock who posed as Santa. But, as the oldest of all, I felt very privileged being in on the "secret" and took my job at playing up the ruse very seriously.

So tonight, my mind was flooded with Chistmas memories that brought me much joy but, there is a little sorrow mixed in. I have the stocking my grandma gave me because she is no longer in her home with the fireplace. She lives rather comfortably in an assisted living home due to alzheimer's. The stocking was a gift from my mom and dad as they sift through the physical memories my grandmother kept since her memories are quickly fading.

My wish is this:
I really, really wish she knows how truly important she was is my life. I am confident she knows I loved her but, I really wish I had told her a few things. So God, can you please let her know:

I loved that she let me sleep with her when I spent the night. And, the clock that shone on the ceiling was the best thing to stare up at while you fell asleep.

I loved that you could literally run in circles in her house since she let everything go and the was an actual circular path that led through her house.

I loved that an entire wall in her entry way was a shrine to those she loved. There were pictures of everyone on prominent display.

I loved that she called a sofa a davenport and when you were sick; to the davenport you went.

I loved the oversized dictionary in the hallway. I always looked up a new word when I was there.

I loved that there was a candy dish. And, you never had to ask.

I loved that grandpa's chair sat in exactly the same spot even years after he was not with us.

I loved that she kept her fingernail polish in the refrigerator. I am still not sure if there is any logic to it.

I loved that she loved the color green. 'It is the color of money, kid.' (she called everyone kid)

And, I loved that she always gave me $2 bills for all the "off" holidays like Valentine's day and Saint Patrick's day.

I would love to wrap this story up nice and tight and put a big, red, happy bow on it. Truth is, I cried while I typed it and thankfully it has no ending. I will keep the memories alive as long as I can. Hopefully I too, will pass the torch of tradition and family to my kids and grankids. My tears are not necessarily sad tears, they are the happy-sad ones. So, I will put a green bow on this "moment"...just for you Grandma D.